Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?

   My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.

   Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.

   All females have 50 screenshoted quotes ready for when the sh*t goes down..

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.

   I call my car the "pu$$y wagon" because that's where I go to cry

   L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart