Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   for once I'd like to see "Its been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions