Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today marks the two year anniversary of the end of the world... and I am still waiting. . .

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun

   To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   Zuckerberg has agreed to expunge the "Dictatators Suck" FB Page ~ Kim Jong-un

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?