Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   It's a shame that all these die-in protesters aren't actually dying

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed?

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story.

   Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.