Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.

   Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.

   Never send laughter to do a medicinal job

   Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.