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Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk. 
Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!
Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...
Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.
The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused
I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.
What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.
I admit Mr. Ed was a pretty clever horse, but I'll bet he didn't write his own lines!
MSNBC: quickly moving back to Bridgegate....CNN: quickly moving back to missing airplane.....Fox News: laughing their asses off......
Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? Hells Bells! I must say, I'm Thunderstruck. I know it's a Long Way To The Top, and if You Want Blood, you'd better Shoot To Thrill with a Big Gun, but still he must have some Big Balls. I guess Money Talks...
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..
WTH?? AC/DC Drummer Phil Rudd was arrested for trying to hire a hitman! Well now I'm disillusioned. So much for AC/DC knowing anything at all about "Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap".
WhatsApp now has 2 blue ticks when the person has read the message. I guess I can't ignore people on purpose anymore.
"The Force Awakens" ensures the next Star Wars movie is already better than "The Phantom Menace"
Former Ravens cheerleader arrested for having sex with 15 year old boy. Apparently her flirting style was to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE
I've got my injury from the Vietnam war, it was from a hunting accident while hiding in Canada
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