Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   My Wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo..............I had to put my foot down

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   Ladies walk the dog don't let the dog walk you

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   I got this new device to help me stop smoking. It's a lighter that won't f*ckin work

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.

   What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   Anxiety is your brain reminding you that you are a wussy.

   I don't think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.