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How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean 
WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
If some people knew what I was capable of they'd surely be nicer to me.
Borrow five dollars from a woman and they will forget. Borrow a piece of Tupperware from a woman and they will hunt you down to every corner of the planet.
Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music
Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?
I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do
Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.
She had me at, " all three baby daddies are locked up!"
I'm old but I'm not stand-out-in-front-of-the-church-and-greet-people-as-they-come-in old.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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