Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....