Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .

   If Peterson's kid didn't want to get spanked, then he shoudn't have misbehaved. He'll know better next time.

   PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.

   That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14