Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   somehow,the NFL must find itself wishing Richie Incognito was still it's worse bully.

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England

   Budweiser tells the league to suspend Peterson, and they wonder why the NFL is failing. Who cares of aa player spanked his kid, seriously.

   Disappointed with the NFL's decision to suspen Peterson. I could see if he spanked someone else's kid, but his own?

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Sometimes you need a drunken nap in the bathroom before you go to bed. Thats all.

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.