Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??

   Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   This all started when I told her to prove it.

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!