Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?

   I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.

   You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"

   "If ya can't beat them, kill 'em" -Tony Stewart

   where in the marriage licence does it say "feel free to get fat now ladies"? jeez have some respect for yourself and husband..

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   Me: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" Her: "Sir, this is a library." Me: *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   Sometimes I wish Tony Stewart would run me over....... #Hangover

   If I ever get into road rage again, and the person gets out of their car. I'm going to run them over under the Tony Stewart act..... Just saying