Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here