Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   "You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.