Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   You're never too old to learn stupid siht...

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   How can anyone think 295 people dying is funny?

   When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.