Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   I think you missed your true calling as a pinata.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   The only problem I have is behaving

   My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   Who are you and why do I have to read about your workout and eating routine every day on Facebook?

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.