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About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck! 
MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.
I remember when the NBA was full of basketball players and not academy award whiners
How was I to know you were tying your shoelaces and not proposing?
The closest I get to exercising is buying running shoes online
The first thing I do in a relationship is panic.
Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.
You're like the abacus of people. No one counts on you anymore.
You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to like you. I like good sensible people and if you are good people with common sense, I like you!
It's been so long since I've gone to church, I couldn't even tell you what year God wrote the bible.
"How much for the rosary?" "Sir, those are an@l beads."
"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.
Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work
BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."
Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...
Looks like Eric Cantor was defeated by some Brat.
Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.
"Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/
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