Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!

   I wish moths and I didn't have the same taste in shirts.

   Waiter I'll tell you the same thing I told my plastic surgeon - give me crab legs.

   the L in salmon is ruining my life

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.

   What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.

   I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

   The music biz status is a quote by Hunter S. Thompson, and of course here at 'tard central it gets panned.

   Ladies, if you're gonna catfish a dude, at least give him some head.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   .... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.