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A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig. 
Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Guys, guys...we Americans are not obsessed with dead hookers. Those are British fashion models.
Well, I guess II'll wait a bit before I go out. A wasp has flown into my truck. He's has since claimed the truck and is prepared to fight for it. He is a one-wasped army and I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of attack formation.
Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line
Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.
My favorite religion is Skepticism.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.
If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.
Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Loneliness is not getting your pets spayed or neutered so that you can have grandkids someday.
My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please
The lower middle-class is the new black
My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..
I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.
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