Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sorry they had your spirit animal neutered.

   I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.

   When someone says they are gonna break their foot off in your ass, it means that they hate you but they hate their own foot even more.

   What's it called when you hate everyone but still want people to like you? I'm that.

   I was gonna call you... but I'm still sober.

   I'm r @cist but not own a basketball team r @cist.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   2 cops walk into a bar... I don't know what happened after that. I got the f cuk out of there.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   We now live in a country where we are spied on without warrants, told what you can eat and drink, forced to buy something you may not want, and can be fined for what you say. Welcome to Amerika 2014. Our Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.