Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!