Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   You had me at, "Why do people keep asking me,what kind meds am I on?"

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   I hate when reality happens outside of my head.

   My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.

   Just glad Jesus died on a Friday Good Monday just doesn't 'roll' off the tongue as well

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.