Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   .... There are two things in life that are certain ... and I took care of one of them today .... I'm really hoping the other one will hold off for quite a while!!!

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   Coffee will never tell me I had too much to drink last night, unlike some people in this house

   Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?

   If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?

   Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."