Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   My shadow is my only black friend.

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   Lightning is like God's way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore