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Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect. 
Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts
My heart says yes but my wife says no!
I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.
Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you break the monotony.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today
A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar.
Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.
A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.
Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.
Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.
There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.
I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.
No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
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