Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   My holy water needs a bottle opener.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. now I'm older I like mine in the bottle

   God has given you one face, and you make yourself another with your drawn eyebrows, fake eyelashes and 2kilos of make up.　- William Shakespeare

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!

   The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.