Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   What does Obamacare and Obama's NCAA bracket have in common? They are both busted.

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.

   You have 3 options: (1) Kiss me. (2) I kiss you. (3) Chloroform.

   8 out of 10 men don't understand women, the other 2 want to be them.

   Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.

   Come on snooze button, is 5 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.