Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth

   Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 13. BUT SIR... THERE IS NO AISLE 13. Dramatic music..

   Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.

   You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   I'm just here because real life won't have me.

   Dance like no one is watching, Fart like no one can smell it.

   For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.

   The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

   Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.

   The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I bought and watch them over and over and not lost one lb