Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me!

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!