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I should sell t-shirts "I survived the Polar Vortex of 2014"... 
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I'm OCD but I worry that I'm not OCD enough.
Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.
The truth is the enemy of the fruit section. The fruit section can't handle the truth that their g @y behaviour and lifestyle is abnormal.
Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.
It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.
It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.
If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks
How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?
You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.
Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...
When you have a wife who can’t cook, Tupperware is just the waiting room for the trash can.
He north, stfu about the cold! You never hear the south complain about the hea.....nvm carry on
Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...
My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.
Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex
The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet. 