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Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do. 
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.
When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.
If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep
Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.
vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.
Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.
I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.
If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...
2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.
Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.
“Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.
I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.
Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!
Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?
Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.
my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?
Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges. 