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Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble. 
Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.
So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?
"Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)
Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.
Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.
I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....
Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.
I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck
Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"...
Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!
A proponent of tolerance should be bullied, harassed and stalked for a hundred times to make them see the light and get a clear understanding of tolerance.
My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."
Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?
Hey Jesus...instead of taking the wheel how about paying for gas every now and then.
Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.
I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.
My guilty pleasure is feeling guilty over any pleasure I have.
There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.
Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from Social Media. 