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There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible. 
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Should I get a puppy, or have a child? Well, I would rather ruin my carpet, than ruin my life.
This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.
Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
my brain has too many tabs open.
I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup
Son why did you draw a dinosaur with a machine gun? First off, they can't shoot guns. And secondly, This rules,,, I'm calling the museum
Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.
I don't censor my opinions for anyone!
Kanye West knew it was love at first sight the moment gazed deeply into Kim Kardashian's big brown mirrored sunglasses.
I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...
pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car
just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.
Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!
If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos. 