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Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat". 
ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again
Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!
Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.
Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.
I saw a man with a pony tail running down the street so I’m guessing there’s an angry iguana somewhere waiting to be fed its dinner.
God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.
If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.
I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut.
SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.
if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."
Humiliation in public or private is not an effective way to discipline your kids?!You should be assamed of yourself.
If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!
remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.
I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.
"Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?
"The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.
I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger. 