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ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook" 
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.
Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.
My GF & I are deeply in love. She loves me for my deep pockets. And I love her for her deep throat.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Ladies; Take his breath away. Sit on his face.
Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.
Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.
Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.
Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine
ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material"
"Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'." This recipe is for poor girls.
" My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!
We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later
I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.
Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully
Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check
Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine
We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones. 