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Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead. 
This fish I got from the fisherman is off the hook.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.
Somewhere, Somehow a guy is with his "girlfriend" spending his payday money, but last weekend she couldn't be with him bcoz she told him she was "sick" or something
No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".
An organization can be famous for being a bad example.
I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch
Nothing worse than getting drunk and slipping and falling into a relationship.
Most problems can be solved with Nudity
It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Siri, when is Jesus coming back?
Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers.
My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.
I'm not saying I'm into guys, Babe. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a man around to kill the spiders that you and I are both afraid of.
I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a surprise!
I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a dissapointment.
Just heard on the News that they have cut the food stamp program. So, this is our government saying to the less fortunate of our country, wait for it... "Happy Thanksgiving"! 