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Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted. 
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."
I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.
what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".
“It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in
I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*
just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.
Never trust a guy who says trust me
I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.
I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...
ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah
with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.
Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.
We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you
Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many. 