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if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..." 
the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down
Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.
Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...
I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.
I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry
Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!
Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Callous: adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...
Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith
If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch
I think I'm going to post the Constitution in my Facebook status. That way the government might read it.
Ever thrown a cat into a swimming pool? Same thing happens when you think a woman is mad and ask “are you mad?”
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the centre go to hell.
Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.
My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.
12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else? 