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Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying. 
I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.
Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.
Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...
The look you give to someone who is naked is a lot different from the look you give them with clothes on. . .
I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.
hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.
God put a woman in the bible and sheruined the whole book in the first chapter
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.
Every woman has a psycho gene inside her. It just takes the right mix of alcohol and man to bring it out.
If the lesson outweighs the regret: it was worth it. 