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in England, "pounds" are money....im not fat, I'm rich 
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.
I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.
When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest the thing she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist
Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"
No, I'm not on drugs. I was born this way! I'm like this, all day everyday.
Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...
If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.
Say what you will about George Zimmerman. But the guy really sticks to his guns.
If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....
Wasteful are those who sleep alone on a bed made for two.
My dad gets drunk sometimes and tells my sister and I really hurtful things like “I wish I had a son”.
If someone knocks on the door while you're in a toilet stall respond with "be with you in a second, let me finish up with this one first"
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues 