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God never made a smart atheist... even tho many of the fools claim to be 
*whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.
I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.
Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)
You call it stalking, I call it stalking. SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU
Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.
Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.
Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.
"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.
But, officer, look at this awesome s tatus I was about to p ost.
Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE
"Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever
“I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.
I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out. 