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My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons. 
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.
Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.
If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.
Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me
Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.
If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" 3 times in front of the mirror, a girl in a North Face jacket, yoga pants and Uggs will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall, using the words "totally" and "like" nonstop
The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!
Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.
I know he's not good for me. I think I love him. -women
I made a desicion to practice celibancy,and my right hand asked if we separated....
I bought a counterfeit money detector pen, You should see the expression on my dope mans face when I used it to check the change from the 8-ball...
Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked! 