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i set my dvr to record the bigest loser and all I get is dallas cowboys games 
My name is Brian but my friends call me when they need a favour.
If you're happy and you know it go away.
My last girlfriend said I was too immature. She dumped me during a game of hide and seek I forced her to play. I searched for days.
I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.
it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
It's not premature if you're still at the dinner table and she doesn't notice.
I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened with daddy issues, and I will give you drinks." Brolossians 11:28
I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.
Make sure to send prayers to people suffering from natural disasters, because if god didn't care while he was doing it, he surely will after
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh
If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie
"So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"
A nutsack is a guy's Christmas Ornament from God.
Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.
When a guy says he wants to get to know you, he means he wants to get to know your boobs.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're proably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try! 