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Your perception of me is a reflection of you. 
If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.
I'll be doing my Facebook posts telepathically today, so if you think of something funny that was me.
NEVER mix internet p0rn and mountain dew. Trust me on this one
If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I hope they have strippers at my funeral.
I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.
Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"
Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.
By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.
I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.
I really wish my eyes could take photos.
Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.
If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.
in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...
Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????
"By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science; " specially when you stalk people. 