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Oven = Xbox for women. 
Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...
Bibles arent allowed in schools anymore but are encouraged in prisons. If kids were allowed to read it at school, they may not end up in pison.
I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.
Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.
I guess it wasn't video who killed the radio star. RIP Kris' Kraddick...
I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?
Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.
I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon
What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."
I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.
Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass
To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.
Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.
Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.
It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification
If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.
Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.
90% of my workout consist of me finding the rite song, 9% trying to bend down to put my shoes on, and 1% kicking off my shoes to crawl into bed!
They gave Obama bobbleheads to all fans 18 and over today at Tiger stadium. 