Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die. 
Got high and let my dog drive us up to Taco Bell. Now he's argueing with the officer that the traffic light wasn't red but gray.
HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late
Hey Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) Send Me One More Candy Crush Invite!! I dare you!
The train in Spain crashes mainly going way too fast.
was really hoping they would name the prince Joffrey.
I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from
I'd F**k your brains out, but looks like someone already beat me to it
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.
Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.
And for my next trick, I will turn these bottles of wine into an evening of questionable decisions, off-key singing and a massive hangover. My panties may also magically disappear. Can I get a volunteer from the audience to help me?
Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.
If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!
If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.
If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.
Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.
Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife! 