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I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!! 
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness
I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.
Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.
Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.
Andy Murray looks like a stuck up douchebag.
No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!
So all I have to do is stage a few fake miracles and the Pope approves my sainthood? Roman Catholic is more of a cult than a church.
What do you call sex on a Greyhound bus? The 3 foot high club!
The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face.
you know Jay-Z isn't OCD because he only had 99 problems....an OCD person would have an even 100 problems
Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.
I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire
When I die am donating my corpse to the ground.
I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.
Bring a banana peel to a karate fight.
I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.
My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"
When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.
Sometimes you have to remember that the common denominator in every failed relationship you ever had is you. 