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Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device. 
Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them
It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.
Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.
I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.
I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?
Bow Wow been 14 for 20 years
When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"
Just found out I have some Native American in me. Well, that explains why I hate all of you.
why you hasselhoffing your stomach in that photo dude!
your so black the cops shot at you and the bullets came after you with flashlights!
your teeth are so yellow you should get a part time job at the movie theatre spittin on the popcorn.
your head is so big.......you don't have dreams, you have movies.
Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!
I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.
My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.
Paula Deen is very pleased that the USSC is allowing f@gs to get married.....especially the coloured ones
We are around 7 billion and we have differences but can we at least agree that a person found guilty in rape deserves the death sentence?
Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ
Meagan Good box probably taste like Hawaiian bread, a fruit salad, the happiness of 10 freed slaves and tears from the Immaculate Mary 