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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house. 
I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.
There are many fish in the sea. There are many birds in the sky. There are many animals everywhere. How will that make me feel better?
I put on my pants like everyone else. Begrudgingly.
I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.
So.... who was the best shooter this month?? A. Ray Allen B. Danny GreenC. LeBron JamesD. Aaron Hernandez”
My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.
this beer sure tastes like Saturday!!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house
Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.
im so drunk I'm seeing red headlights in my rearview mirror
hey hun!!!! The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.
Congrats to Nikki Manaj on her latest s hit song!!
Hearing that Jesus loves you and you should let him inside you is very nice... Unless you’re in a Mexican prison.
"Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people
I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.
If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.
hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket 